Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
