the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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