his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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