Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
