I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
