Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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