Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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