True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
