so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
