I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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