I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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