i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
