we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
