I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
