make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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