i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
