Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
