nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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