they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
