Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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