I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
