I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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