You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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