Sry I called you an 8
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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