My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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