i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
