I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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