barbara walters just said penis...
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
