Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
