Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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