btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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