Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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