I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
