this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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