I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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