You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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