I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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