How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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