I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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