On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
