woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
