I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
