I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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