Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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