even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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