I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize
