what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
