so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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