I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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