i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
