I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
