Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
