There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
