It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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