I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
