He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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