there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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