i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
