god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize