ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
